I Believe

This concept of belief is strange. I tend to say that all words are merely said. Even thoughts inside our minds are like quiet words.  When people say. ” I believe there is a God’ what they are really saying is ” I’m saying that I’m saying there is a God.’ They use the word ‘belief’ to distinguish the type of speech they are using. It is as if ‘belief’ is this superglue of the mind.

Atheists also have this belief super glue but they are dead certain that there isn’t a God. And they say it, ‘There isn’t a God.’ Are you sure? Yes I’m sure there isn’t.

Then there’s the agnostic. ‘ I believe I don’t know if there is one or there isn’t.’ He/her seems so sure that they don’t believe one way or other.

I’m not an atheist either or an agnostic. This is because I change my mind (I’m a change-my-minder). I’ve done it on a few occasions and I suspect I’ll do it again.

Nostril Pervert

MR. Divine:  What parent lets their toddler tongue a pig in broad daylight?

Johnny Mac: Precisely. One should at least wait for nightfall

Mr. Divine: I've looked more carefully at this picture and it appears like the toddler is actually licking inside the pig's nostrils for snot. If this is your child JM don't you think you should feed it more?

Johnny Mac: Ah Mr D, not mine; I am merely the sinister figure whose sandalled foot you can half see at the edge of the photo, who has just promised the innocent child an ice cream if he will snog porkie. At the moment the picture was taken I was, of course, cackling evilly.

Free At Last

It was in the middle of the night that he managed to free his body. He had spent nearly a week chained to the kitchen making cakes and chocolate which the lady wolfed down with ease. 

She went out on Friday night to one of her dos and got plastered. 

'Hey ho away we go donkey riding, donkey riding' could be heard as she stumbled through the front door.

He was ordered to make a goodnight cake with lashes of chocolate. Again she scoffed the lot despite having already drowned 15 pints of John Smiths and God knows how many packets of cheese and onion crisps. 

She in for a hangover and a half!

Port and Dope

Sometimes I've gone on the smoking dope and drinking herbal tea diet. It is said that a bit of kif is like a blazing fire. Usually if I can stick to smoking in the late afternoons it is not too bad. But if I'm smoking dope nowadays it's usually an all day thing and I can't give it up. .. the blazing fire is a bloody ocean. Booze is a bit easier to give up for me. Not wishing to brag but I'm incredibly clean at the moment . God only knows how long it will last. I was on the port and dope big time last year. I'll front up to my new neighbours' doors at 3 in the afternoon and 'chat'... with my bottle of port. I've hardly spoken to them this year .. and they never come round to my place! Sounds familiar?

Mormon Abortion

Matsue, Japan 1993 in the middle of a psychotic episode I had a conversation with a Mormon bishop. I was contemplating becoming a Mormon and the bishop asked me if I had done anything seriously wrong. The only thing that came to mind was cheating on one of my girlfriends so I told him that. He said that it wasn't serious and what was serious was an abortion. I had partners who had abortions. I didn't answer him and our attention turned to a flower bed full of cats, partly wild. It was astrange time because it was just before the Kobe earthquake and I had also seen thousands of small mice in one area as well as large gatherings of snails.

I only lasted a day or two as a Mormon as my psychosis moved to new fields.

Whatever It Takes

The Socialist Unity web site is cleared of any reference to her physical appearance on the grounds that it is sexist. 

Wardour Street and Rank and video packing 12 hour shifts for 67 nights straight at 2.50 an hour. !985 and a heartbroken man saving to escape his tears in India. Cycling to and from Bethnal Green every day, eating cold pasta. He couldn't remember seeing MM.


Then after many adventures he ends up enjoying a day outside in the drizzle with his chainsaw. Often he has thought of moving to the East coast of Canada so that he could spend more time with his chainsaw and ice skates.

Birthday Party

St Ives 2017. The house was so full the crowd spread to the balcony where a large birthday cake rested. Outside of the gates a crowd had gathered, some trying to smooch through the security guards. The papraza were trying to get a glimpse of the action, some had even hired helicopters to snoop out the best picture.  

Suddenly a car burst through the crowd and crashed into a black lamp post. Out came Andy Newham, the Socialist Unity blogger. 

"Let me in Madam Miaow' he yelled  

"You're not a member of the Socialist Workers Party ... sorry"  

Then it was time to sing. Instead of 'Happy Birthday' it was "Socialist Workers, Socialist Workers, Socialist Workers." The candles were blown and the Socialist Workers left with three ginger biscuits each.  

That was some birthday party and she could hardly wait until next year when there plans to invite two sides of the hunting debate to party on.

Wink Wiink Hotel

BANG she steps through the time zone and enters a world beyond her wildest dreams. She's found herself slap bang into the future.

"Oh my God" she squeals, "It's St Ives, Cornwall."

She finds herself standing on a huge balcony of a mansion overlooking the sea. 

Yes it's me she cries, but how did I get here? Then her gaze rests upon a framed newspaper cutting.

'Madam Miaow's Christmas Comedy Annual Sells Another Million'

She looks through a computerised telescope on an antique tripod. The marina blazes in the sunshine and her focus rests upon the largest rubber dingy. It's called the "The Purr" and has her face stamped upon it, and a huge sail ready to go.

A cough comes from behind her and a divine looking looking man stripped to his whiskers passes a ginger cat biscuit. She notices that the man is playing with three papers. He gives a knowing wink.. wink w wink.

Then as the fire is lit and her craving becomes intense the man commands,

"Stick with your ginger nut biscuit. None of this is for you."

'Why she pleads why! I want everything."

The man points to a large seven month lump on her tummy.

Dr Whooo Who hey Dr Who

Down to Swan Hill

Just returned from a trip down the River Murray. Speed there on back roads where there no police and very few other cars. Spent some time in a small town (pop 600) with no broadband and certainly no street cameras. Went to playgrounds where there were only  two or three other kids, no dog poo, and certainly no suspicious lurking pedies. This is where the skies are big and Big Brothers are non-existent.
I used to work packing videos near Oxford Street (Warldoor street) in 83 and we had a 4 hour break. During that time we'd have a blow and stroll the city at 2345 in the morning. 

Where are you going?